10 More Rules Divorcing Parents Should Follow
February 2, 2010
11. Refrain from voicing criticism of the other parent. It is difficult, but absolutely necessary. For a child’s healthy development, it is important for him to respect both parents and believe both parents respect each other, even if that is not the truth.
12. Do not force or encourage your children to take sides. To do so encourages frustration, guilt and resentment.
13. Allow your children to be children. Do not confide in them, whatever their age.
14. Try not to upset the children’s routine too abruptly. Children need a sense of continuity and it is disturbing to them if they must cope with too many changes all at once.
15. Dissolution of marriage often leads to financial pressures on both parents. Do not discuss finances with the children. Never mention payment or non-payment of support.
16. Marriage breakdown is always hard on the children. They may not always show their distress or realize at first what this will mean to them. Parents should be direct and simple in telling children what is happening and why, and in a way a child can understand and digest. This will vary with the circumstances and with each child’s age and comprehension. The worst course is to try to hush things up and make a child feel he or she must not talk or even think about what he or she sees is going on. The child must be allowed to express unhappy feelings. If the child asks questions, explanations should be brief, prompt, direct, and honest.
17. The guilt parents may feel about the marriage breakdown may interfere in their disciplining the children. A child needs consistent control and direction. Either permissiveness or indecisive parents, who leave a child at the mercy of every passing whim and impulse, interfere with a child’s healthy development. Children need and want to know quite clearly what is expected of them. Children need leadership and sometimes authority. Parents must be ready to say “NO” when necessary.
18. Do not overlook the fact that you are only human and admit it. You will not be able to make a 100% score on being the perfect parent (no one ever does in good or bad times). When in your attempts, acknowledge it and resolve to attempt to improve day by day.
19. Offer the children the opportunity for professional assistance. That this is okay and normal. That it will be confidential. That the parents have this help.
20. Attend the Parents and Divorce parenting class as soon as possible. Read books on children and divorce. See the suggested reading list below. Join a support group.
